tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-27134801806003075372024-03-07T18:45:10.599-06:00Dezdmona's Rocketship"Human beings are flawed individuals.
The cosmic bakers took us out of the oven a little too early,
and that's the reason we're as crazy as we are."Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.comBlogger103125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-73267782888756992332016-03-01T09:32:00.000-06:002016-03-01T09:32:56.342-06:00On the Day I DieReblogged from: <br /><a href="http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/02/29/on-the-day-i-die/">http://johnpavlovitz.com/2016/02/29/on-the-day-i-die/</a><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0oEp7PMlq-4btdpRUXTzf2iiETOid0PiPDkvBq0ZQxOMgcyZws5lK3G0AUg8bJ1W5OiW_J0HoPwgMPB12zEmkXHo85BYQLj1E6q1blxdg64-ZjQcjgHLgiDk6UtnvLpzIRww6FYuKbWUE/s1600/flowers-copy.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg0oEp7PMlq-4btdpRUXTzf2iiETOid0PiPDkvBq0ZQxOMgcyZws5lK3G0AUg8bJ1W5OiW_J0HoPwgMPB12zEmkXHo85BYQLj1E6q1blxdg64-ZjQcjgHLgiDk6UtnvLpzIRww6FYuKbWUE/s320/flowers-copy.jpg" width="320" /></a><strong> </strong><br />
<strong>On the die I day a lot will happen.</strong><br />
<strong>The world will be busy.</strong><br />
<strong>On the day I die, all the important appointments I made will be left unattended.</strong><br />
<strong>The many plans I had yet to complete will remain forever undone.</strong><br />
<strong>The calendar that ruled so many of my days will now be irrelevant to me.</strong><br />
<strong>All the material things I so chased and guarded and treasured will be left in the hands of others to care for or to discard.</strong><br />
<strong>The words of my critics which so burdened me will cease to sting or capture anymore. They will be unable to touch me.</strong><br />
<strong>The arguments I believed I’d won here will not serve me or bring me any satisfaction or solace. </strong><br />
<strong>All my noisy incoming notifications and texts and calls will go unanswered. Their great urgency will be quieted.</strong><br />
<strong>My many nagging regrets will all be resigned to the past, where they should have always been anyway.</strong><br />
<strong>Every superficial worry about my body that I ever labored over; about my waistline or hairline or frown lines, will fade away.</strong><br />
<strong>My carefully crafted image, the one I worked so hard to shape for others here, will be left to them to complete anyway.</strong><br />
<strong>The sterling reputation I once struggled so greatly to maintain will be of little concern for me anymore.</strong><br />
<strong>All the small and large anxieties that stole sleep from me each night will be rendered powerless.</strong><br />
<strong>The deep and towering mysteries about life and death that so
consumed my mind will finally be clarified in a way that they could
never be before while I lived.</strong><br />
<strong>These things will certainly all be true on the day that I die.</strong><br />
<br />
<strong>Yet for as much as will happen on that day, one <em>more</em> thing that will happen.</strong><br />
<strong>On the day I die, the few people who really know and truly love me will grieve deeply. </strong><br />
<strong>They will feel a void.</strong><br />
<strong>They will feel cheated.</strong><br />
<strong>They will not feel ready.</strong><br />
<strong>They will feel as though a part of them has died as well.</strong><br />
<strong>And on that day, more than anything in the world they will want more time with me.</strong><br />
<strong>I know this from those I love and grieve over.</strong><br />
<strong>And so knowing this, while I <em>am</em> still alive I’ll try
to remember that my time with them is finite and fleeting and so very
precious—and I’ll do my best not to waste a second of it.</strong><br />
<strong>I’ll try not to squander a priceless moment worrying about
all the other things that will happen on the day I die, because many of
those things are either not my concern or beyond my control.</strong><br />
<strong>Friends, those other things have an insidious way of keeping
you from living even as you live; vying for your attention, competing
for your affections.</strong><br />
<strong>They rob you of the joy of this unrepeatable, uncontainable, ever-evaporating <em>Now</em> with those who love you and want only to share it with you.</strong><br />
<strong>Don’t miss the chance to dance with them while you can.<br />
</strong><strong><br />
It’s easy to waste so much daylight in the days before you die.</strong><br />
<strong>Don’t let your life be stolen every day by all that you believe matters, because on the day you die, much of it simply won’t.</strong><br />
<strong>Yes, you and I will die one day.</strong><br />
<strong>But before that day comes: <i>let us live.</i></strong>Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-32553884165510907122016-02-02T12:26:00.000-06:002016-02-02T13:16:39.803-06:00Amazing GraceSoon it will be spring, some of the wildflowers are already starting to bloom and the weather is beginning to warm. The Groundhog predicted an early spring today. The Earth has almost made a full trip around the sun since the day Mom died.<br />
<br />
After at least 8 years of fighting the devastating effects of Alzheimer's Disease, Mom died peacefully in her sleep exactly 24 years to the day after Dad died. This disease is called "the long goodbye" but that is a lie. There is no goodbye. There is only pain and heartache, and a shell of a person you used to know. You lose a little of yourself every day as you walk the path of Alzheimer's with your loved one. I feel cheated.<br />
I lost Mom years before I even knew it. <br />
<br />
I had grown frustrated with her inability to comprehend and follow directions without realizing why she couldn't accomplish these tasks. She would get frustrated with me for the same things - while, the time between these "discussions" could be months, it was always the same. I have guilt for not recognizing the signs before I did. But she was a proud woman and hid her problems well, she was able to probe for the information she needed to fill in the gaps so it didn't appear she had lost a memory. She was clever. Even after the disease became so pronounced she could no longer hide the symptoms, she was seeking ways to cover the gaps, and would become angry when she couldn't. I learned how to talk to her in ways that would not give her the answers she was seeking and expose her deficits. As heartbreaking as this was, it was necessary to get a clear picture of what was happening to her.<br />
<br />
I retreated into a clinical approach in dealing with her illness, it was something happening <i>to</i> her - it was not <i>her</i>.<br />
<br />
I don't remember the last time she told me directly that she loved me. I know she recognized my name within a month of her death, spontaneously, as she saw it painted on a panel van as we were driving down the highway and pointed to it with a sparkle in her eye and a smile on her face. It was the only way she had of communicating that she knew me, and my name; even though she couldn't speak it. That was our last really good day. There were surprisingly few during Mom's illness. Although I have been in the company of other Alzheimer's patients who seem to be able to engage more with the world, if only for the moment.<br />
<br />
A few days before she died, we believe she suffered a mild stroke. She lost all ability to speak, and feed herself. Her mobility was further impaired. My son & I visited her and she seemed to be able to acknowledge our conversation by nodding her head. She ate a good meal. And died peacefully in her sleep early the next morning... as previously noted on the exact day my Father had died 24 years before.<br />
<br />
It was as if in that moment, he was allowed to reach out to her, take her hand, and they would be together again, made whole - with my Sister - in Heaven.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Click to enlarge</td></tr>
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The Bluebonnets were at the peak of their bloom, and wildflowers covered
the highways. Heavy rains had ended an extended and severe drought and
the farmers & ranchers had renewed hope. <br />
<br />
As for me, I was relieved. It was over. I felt happy for her. My prayers for some time had been that God would take her peacefully so that she could be made whole again in Heaven. No longer trapped by the body that had betrayed her. Her struggle was real, she fought so very hard against her disease, she hated it. In her confusion and fear, she lashed out at me, but I understand why - there was no one else to hear her cries for help. There would be no help. No understanding. No comfort. No goodbyes. It is the most horrible of deaths. Lost and trapped inside yourself. And your loved one(s) locked out, suffering, too.<br />
<br />
Yes, I am thankful my prayers were answered. I miss the Mom I used to know. But she is in me, and around me. Hopefully I can share the best parts of her with my son. And one day I too, will fly away to heaven come some sweet blue bonnet spring. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-55945552789005252962015-02-11T15:50:00.000-06:002015-02-12T10:07:41.209-06:00"I'm Not Gonna Miss You"It's been six years since Mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer's Disease.<br />
<br />
She's had many falls, stitches, staples, broken bones. She never asked about Dad or my Sister both of whom passed away about 20 years before she went into care. I've mentioned them both in passing from time to time, but never really got any emotional response; so decided to just leave it be. She no longer remembers HER sister, or her best friend. I THINK she remembers me as of this writing, but am not sure she can recall my name if asked (I don't). She did see my name on the side of a panel truck as we were driving down the road and pointed at it with an excited light in her eyes, and that's good enough for me! But she certainly remembers my Son. He will be the last person she remembers. The most important person in her world. If there is one thing that brought joy to her life after the death of my Sister, it was the birth of my Son. And he returned that love, until she got sick and was no longer herself.<br />
<br />
She has gone from independent mobility, to a walker and now is in a wheelchair. She needs assistance feeding herself, because she isn't very interested in food anymore. She is unable to have a conversation, and no longer asks about her cats, which was the ONE thing she held onto the longest. She doesn't ask to go home anymore. She does ask about the weather outside and will say "I love you', when I tell her that I love her.<br />
<br />
It's hard to see her in this condition. But my true heartache is for her. She would hate to see herself in the condition she exists in. Her care is excellent, but she would be appalled at her inability to care for herself, and manage her own affairs. I hear her words ringing in my ears telling me that if she is unable to think for herself to "pull the plug". She was referring to the Karen Ann Quinlan case in 1975 which is so very different than Alzheimer's. But to her, the idea of being kept alive when her/a person's mind is useless was a waste and she wanted no part of it. While an Alzheimer's patient does suffer irreversible brain damage they do not enter into a coma. But, both conditions can be considered "a long goodbye". Of course, I will always keep her safe and well cared for as long as she is healthy. (And that's as far as I'll go down that rabbit hole.)<br />
<br />
The cost and emotional toll of caring for an Alzheimer's patient is well beyond the scope of most families. And it has taken a huge toll on my family. If you haven't heard from me, it's because I don't have any positive news to share. And it's no fun reporting sad news. I've spent a lot of time trying to keep my pain away from my Husband and Son, but I've only been fooling myself. I know it's affected me and my behavior, and they see right through me. Which means it's affected us all. I can't say how much their support has meant to me these long years. I only wish that my son had been older, past his teens, so his childhood had not been so damaged. I pray every day he finds himself and grows strong when we come out the other side of this. He is such an amazing person, but this whole experience has caused him to withdraw and turn inward. Mom loves him so and would wish for him to thrive and experience the world and the road ahead of him. <br />
<br />
But that's not really why I'm writing today.... <br />
<br />
I'm writing because of the Alzheimer's inspired song that Glen Campbell wrote and just won a Grammy called "I'm Not Gonna Miss You". His wife was on the TV this morning saying that she is hopeful that when she places the award in his hands it will recall a memory and he will understand it's meaning. I hope for her sake it does, too.<br />
<br />
It's important for anyone who has a loved one with Alzheimer's to understand that these moments of success and recognition are really for us, the survivors, not for the patient. As the song says: "I'm still here, but yet I'm gone."<br />
<br />
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Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-86382562712044072332012-12-08T01:19:00.000-06:002015-02-11T16:23:14.211-06:00Life Is Still A Tire SwingIt only took a few moments, and a margarita, for 30 years to melt away.<br />
And we we all girls again, older and wiser, more stories to tell than there was time for, but still young at heart.<br />
<br />
Within minutes we were re-capturing cherished memories from our youth and trying to share great lessons learned in the years since. <br />
An impossible task to accomplish in just a few hours. Yet somehow we walked away satisfied. <br />
<br />
It is a surreal experience to share a moment in time with good friends ~ a lifetime apart yet dear to your heart.<br />
These are some of the people who made me. I could not have the trust and faith in humanity I have now if I had not had some of these friends then.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjrrmN1qW8mA4-64nHJIZqcvFrV6LwlH87O_thDqj557Zqz7T4x0BEn2eciUfkKMrJMr2M-L7a7okZTscObIGSiz5jK_hXjOIciZjmnuNI39XYou9vlzvPqdpR6TUMdqI5odEBY81ZdMiy/s1600/Sangria+2012a1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjrrmN1qW8mA4-64nHJIZqcvFrV6LwlH87O_thDqj557Zqz7T4x0BEn2eciUfkKMrJMr2M-L7a7okZTscObIGSiz5jK_hXjOIciZjmnuNI39XYou9vlzvPqdpR6TUMdqI5odEBY81ZdMiy/s320/Sangria+2012a1.jpg" height="320" width="274" /></a></div>
I feel blessed to hear of their children, their parents, their heartaches, their losses. Their lives, so similar and so different from my own. I wanted to jump into the photographs and be a part of the moments... to dance at the wedding, to sit at the dinner, to be at graduation. Yet through the stories and smiles, I saw the joy in those moments and shared in a way that only girlfriends can do.<br />
<br />
It's been a long and winding road, and I have faith that life will lead us back to each other, but until until it does, I hope this evening was able to wash away the years for my friends as it did for me. Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-23105261753949677572012-08-26T16:23:00.000-05:002019-09-27T09:22:27.458-05:00Goodbye Mr Spaceman<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
I was one of the half a billion earthlings (1 of 6 people on the planet at the time) huddled in front of a grainy television set with my family on a cloudless night in July 1969 to see the "moon landing". My father insisted; I was 8 years old and it changed my life. I believe this singular moment in time is one of the greatest accomplishments in human history.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FlpstXNjImY" target="_blank"> Historic Apollo 11 Moon Landing Footage</a></div>
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<br />
Seeing Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin set their feet on another heavenly body and playfully bound around was awe inspiring in this young girls eyes.<br />
<br />
The sign on my teachers wall read "Hitch Your Wagon to a Star" and from my perspective the moon landing was proof that man could touch the Heavens.<br />
<br />
It never occurred to me that if I worked hard, there wasn't anything I couldn't accomplish if I set my sights on it. One small step at a time, I would get there. I grew up with the space program as my inspiration. Yes, there were failures and setbacks, but they didn't back down from the <a href="http://www.blogger.com/%3Ciframe%20width=%22560%22%20height=%22315%22%20src=%22http://www.youtube.com/embed/rf05Te3tvDg%22%20frameborder=%220%22%20allowfullscreen%3E%3C/iframe%3E" target="_blank">President's challenge</a>.<br />
<br />
And that night when Dad and I walked outside and gazed upon the moon knowing that there were humans standing there, we understood that there is no amount of effort too daunting or overwhelming in our own life if the great expanse of space could be conquered to safely put men on the moon.<br />
<br />
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I've traveled a lot of miles since then, and accomplished a lot of goals. I still look to the stars for inspiration and marvel in the magnitude of it all. While it was my parents that gave me the tools I needed to travel life's road, I would like to thank Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin for challenging me to aim for the stars. <br />
<br />
Ever since that night, the moon doesn't look so far away.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-27679238054485159672011-09-19T15:48:00.001-05:002019-09-27T09:21:19.119-05:00You've Got a Friend in Me<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">This weekend
I found out about the passing of a colleague from my past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And though I didn't know about it when he
died; I have found myself reminiscing about conversations we had and being sad
that such a good man died too young. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">Coupled with
this loss is the closing of the Casa runaway and homeless youth shelter where I
spent the majority of my working career.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I initially worked the overnight shift there when I was working on my
Bachelor's Degree then later after I had my Master's Degree I returned as Case
Manager and Shelter Director. It was the first program of its kind in Dallas
and marking its closure is also a kind of death.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of those who worked there over the years
from the first Program Director to the last came to the "closing ceremony".<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And, as I walked through that empty building,
the memories came flooding back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some
may say, it's only brick and mortar, but those walls were talking to me. The
laughter and the tears all came flooding out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Good works were done inside those walls. Friendships were made and lives
were changed. When I left that building I embarked on a new career - to raise
my son.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For many years I didn't look
back.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I built a new life and let too
much time and space come between myself and the people at the Shelter. I regret
this now.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For those of you that read
this, I am sorry. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";">While I am
happy for my friend who has found his eternal reward and trust that all my colleagues
have found satisfaction in their lives; my experience this weekend causes me to
miss the days when we were in each other's lives every day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And though I know that is no longer possible,
I would like to have the opportunity to reconnect with you whenever
possible.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You've got a friend in
me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Let's get together. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
You've Got A Friend In Me - Randy Newman<br />(Toy Story Edition)</div>
</div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<br /><iframe width="320" height="266" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/nMN4JZ8crVY/0.jpg" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/nMN4JZ8crVY?feature=player_embedded" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "sans-serif";"><a href="http://youtu.be/LXARdPb4YBs"><br /></a></span></div>
Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-73986846711413540792010-11-25T09:02:00.000-06:002019-09-27T09:03:33.932-05:00Happy Birthday to Me<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmSZLMQWO_l8hyphenhyphenOmxxxZ3geILmgHU2D3T9aC3s8LbD3ef1sRSeD-IhH1L1TOZ-T8hQ1o13CS2Tl1W8QhB0v88PrUnINUlNfpxoxNRuqsXGbM42fk2ppikEE-a6-21OJjf7qI4nXIDvmnKD/s1600/LifeLessons.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="211" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgmSZLMQWO_l8hyphenhyphenOmxxxZ3geILmgHU2D3T9aC3s8LbD3ef1sRSeD-IhH1L1TOZ-T8hQ1o13CS2Tl1W8QhB0v88PrUnINUlNfpxoxNRuqsXGbM42fk2ppikEE-a6-21OJjf7qI4nXIDvmnKD/s320/LifeLessons.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
My life as I mark the half century mark is both miraculous and tragic. I'm not sure where I expected to be as I flew passed this mile marker, but it's certainly not where I am.<br />
<br />
Today is Thanksgiving Day, as it was on the day my Mother left the Feast to go to the hospital for my birth. My nearly 7 year old sister remaining at my Grandmother (Mamoo's) home to await the news as to whether she would have a sister or brother. She was fiercely protective of me through the years, and would not let anyone bully me...except her. My parents had suffered through years of infertility and were thrilled to finally have another child. I grew up knowing how cherished and wanted I was. My parents worked hard to provide a safe home for my sister and me. We didn't have a lot of the things my peers could afford, and I learned valuable lessons from that, though I didn't realize it at the time.<br />
<br />
I had great friends in school, some of which are confidants to this day. I can't say enough about the relationships that were forged during my youth and how they have endured and been there for me during good times and bad. You know who you are. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. I spent my time away from school with my horse and riding in Rodeo's. I learned though those competitions, that miliseconds matter, in the rodeo arena as in life. Everything can change and it only takes a moment. Be mindful of the words you say, how fast you drive, the actions you take, the consequences can last a lifetime; try to ensure that they are positive rather than negative.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"<i>It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.</i>" ~ Albus Dumbledore</div>
<br />
My Parents taught me great lessons. My favorite parenting lesson that my Father shared with me is "try to say 'yes' when you can." It's too easy to default to "no" when raising kids, (unless there's a safety concern involved, of course). My dad also taught me how to be a handyman, a good thing too, since my Husband isn't very good around the house! We shared a love of music and music theater and saw some great shows. My Father was taken from us in 1991 at the age of 66, much too young. There are so many things I wish he could have known, and that I could have shared with him. Most notably, his grandson, Luke. He always wanted a boy, and his grandson has some of his qualities. I learned after his death that he had always provided coats and blankets to the homeless of Dallas among other charitable acts which he had kept to himself. Truly gifts from the heart from which we can all learn.<br />
<br />
My Mother was always very generous with me. We shared a great friendship talking about life, love and family. I loved going to visit my Grandparents with her, the old house they lived in was comforting and Granny and Grandad shared great wisdom with me. She taught me to sew and cook, and of course, shop! We traveled all over the United States and Europe together. My Mother is now 81 and suffering from Alzheimer's Disease. The great joy of her life is her grandson, and I am thankful that both of them have had a close relationship as he has grown up.<br />
<br />
My Sister was an amazing woman who, as previously mentioned, was very protective of me both in childhood into adulthood. She is responsible for me meeting my husband, but she also lectured him on what she would "do to him if he broke my heart". We will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary next month. When we began trying to have a child, she was thrilled at the idea of becoming an Aunt. Linde was a world traveler, cyclist, snow/water skier, land conservationist, multi-lingual very intense person who was tragically taken from us at age 39, in 1993. She did not live to see her Nephew born.<br />
<br />
My Husband came into my life at a time when I was at a crossroads, as was he. We have learned a lot about love in its many shapes and forms through the years, but I cannot say enough how much and how deeply I love him. He has stood by me, through all of the challenges and joys of the long and winding road. I am thankful for his love and company along this journey and wouldn't trade a minute of it. <br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span title="Source: Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace">"<i>Always remember, your focus determines your reality.</i>"</span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
Qui-Gon-Ginn, Star Wars-The Phantom Menace</div>
<br />
The double blessing of marring my husband is that I also gained a Daughter. Katie has been a great joy in my life. We've shared late night talks, a trip through the South, a love of college and professional football, and of course her little brother. Most recently she has blessed our family with two lovely grandchildren. <br />
<br />
My Son is a miracle that came into our world after eight years of infertility, the loss of one baby and a year of chemotherapy. He was a light after years of darkness and continues to bring joy into our lives. As it is with children, he is a unique individual with ideas of his own and we hope to encourage him to find his own place in the future where he can find satisfaction and happiness with a firm family, faith and educational foundation on which to build. Until then, his lego's remain scattered throughout the house for him to practice with.<br />
<br />
I've had the good fortune of family and friends in my life so far even though there has been great loss. And the journey through Mom's Alzheimer's is challenging and has taught me new levels of patience and compassion. I am blessed with a supportive and loving Husband and Son and the prospect of a bright future. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this life, and that the greatest pleasures most often come in the smallest of moments. <br />
<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"<i>Some of it's magic, some of it's tragic, but I've had a good life all the way.</i>"</div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
~Jimmy Buffett, He Went to Paris</div>
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<br />Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-78123044118206542102010-06-09T18:54:00.007-05:002010-06-09T19:41:15.268-05:00To Roger Staubach, still Captain AmericaThis editorial appeared in the<a href="http://www.facebook.com/note_redirect.php?note_id=403063814319&h=b9f5a71a9ff425fe30b04e5b09d57c28&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.dallasnews.com%2Fsharedcontent%2Fdws%2Fspt%2Fmisc%2Fletters%2Fstories%2F053010dnspoletters.172651b.html" target="_blank" title="http://www.dallasnews.com/sharedcontent/dws/spt/misc/letters/stories/053010dnspoletters.172651b.html"> Dallas Morning News SportsDay Forum</a> on Sunday, May 30, 2010<br />The online version of this article (linked to above) was shortened so much as to loose it's effect. The article, in it's entirety, as it appeared in the paper appears below:<br /><br />I've always admired Roger, but as a military (Navy) veteran himself, I am not at all surprised to read of his respect to other heroes.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://s27.photobucket.com/albums/c180/Dezdmona/Graphics/?action=view&current=capline.gif" target="_blank"><img style="width: 345px; height: 46px;" src="http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c180/Dezdmona/Graphics/capline.gif" alt="Photobucket" border="0" /></a><br /></div><br />Staubach's kindness benefits soldiers:<br /><br />The week before last, my brother was sitting in first class on a flight from Dallas/Fort Worth International Airport to Colorado Springs when a couple sat in front of him. He immediately recognized the man as Roger Staubach and said he looked great, very fit. They exchanged greetings, and Staubach said he was headed to Colorado Springs for the inaugural Wounded Warrior games, a competition for injured members of the military.<br /><br />After 60 or 70 percent of the plane was boarded, a female Army soldier who had lost her leg boarded. Staubach insisted she sit in his seat; she said "no thanks," but he insisted. He took her place in the middle seat way in the back. After a few minutes, the young girl got tears in her eyes and said she wanted to go to her seat and have Staubach return to his.<br /><br />The flight attendant overheard, and as the female soldier headed to retrieve Staubach, the attendant said she had a no-show and both could sit in first class.<br /><br />The flight attendant returned with the female soldier, but Staubach sent a double amputee Army soldier to sit in his seat. Staubach remained in coach the entire flight and disembarked last. My brother asked for an autograph for my birthday; Staubauch said certainly. It's a great gift, but the greater gift is knowing Roger Staubach is still Captain America.<br /><br />— Drew Werner, Addison, TXDezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-53604791205686208332010-05-07T10:22:00.003-05:002010-05-07T10:31:29.229-05:00I Said A Mother's Prayer For You<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFg9siOD481xnBHV-XB5I7ReLSK2EcYo7tw9Wu1je9U99hxCMREuI9UarDxUvXXKL7suH7KqJVXY-47NjzGAj0FpGTtHm-9-xgNczvuFiEaqC422vd6KmcXCkr5721AnOUFjYSJmB1dmC0/s1600/happy-mothers-day-mother-and-child.jpg"><img style="float: right; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; cursor: pointer; width: 222px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiFg9siOD481xnBHV-XB5I7ReLSK2EcYo7tw9Wu1je9U99hxCMREuI9UarDxUvXXKL7suH7KqJVXY-47NjzGAj0FpGTtHm-9-xgNczvuFiEaqC422vd6KmcXCkr5721AnOUFjYSJmB1dmC0/s320/happy-mothers-day-mother-and-child.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5468551123933523362" border="0" /></a><br />I said a Mother's Day prayer for you<br /> to thank the Lord above<br /> for blessing me with a lifetime<br /> of your tenderhearted love.<br /> I thanked God for the caring<br /> you've shown me through the years,<br /> for the closeness we've enjoyed<br /> in time of laughter and of tears.<br /> And so, I thank you from the heart<br /> for all you've done for me<br /> and I bless the Lord for giving me<br /> the best mother there could be!<br /> <em><strong>- Author - Unknown</strong></em>Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-48704302354437722532009-10-16T13:01:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:24:41.114-06:00Behind Blue Eyes<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiALuUqv2fDV13Iw_JtKKV_3hF3TOyrg_nVjl-BEtZcras3Gtj6a_voN0f-J7HhcGnzbjqMTYgKjwtsiVUvh3Jqgtp6llRDGlgRexeZ1iTBHUKOwRCkheIAC4M0klH4eDklEh-66B2DY9e4/s1600-h/IMG_8370.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiALuUqv2fDV13Iw_JtKKV_3hF3TOyrg_nVjl-BEtZcras3Gtj6a_voN0f-J7HhcGnzbjqMTYgKjwtsiVUvh3Jqgtp6llRDGlgRexeZ1iTBHUKOwRCkheIAC4M0klH4eDklEh-66B2DY9e4/s320/IMG_8370.JPG" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393260544213773794" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 240px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 320px;" /></a><br />
<br />
The above photograph of my Mother and me was taken by my son when she was in the hospital after a fall last month. We were having a particularly good visit when this photo was taken. It is remarkable for several reasons, most notably the empty look in Mom's eyes. It is the look of Alzheimer's. It was difficult for her to find her smile that day. Though she was happy during our visit.<br />
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When I showed the photograph to Mom, her only comment was how old she looked.<br />
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My son submitted this photograph in the <a href="http://www.pta.org/2032.asp">2009 PTA Reflections Arts in Education Program</a> at his school where it won an "Award of Excellence" Blue Ribbon, and will be submitted for district judging.<br />
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CONGRATULATIONS are in order to MJM for capturing such a striking, yet loving photograph.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-61270262696201042812009-09-30T08:44:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:24:51.620-06:00RebootI am thrilled to report that Mom will NOT have to have the VP Shunt replaced at this time.<br />
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The Neurosurgeon successfully reprogrammed the shunt yesterday using a different machine and said that he doesn't need to see her again for another month. He set the program so that it would not drain a lot of fluid, and will slowly (over a period of months) increase the amount of fluid being drained again. Although, not to the level it had reset itself to...the reason which still remains a mystery; as does the reason his machine was unable to reprogram the shunt the first three times he tried. He said he would contact the manufacturer of the machine to ensure it was working properly. Obviously, if his machine checks out, this could still mean there is a problem with Mom's shunt. If his machine needs recalibration, then Mom's shunt is probably ok. Only time will tell.<br />
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Ok...that's a lot of medical babble, but it's good news.<br />
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During the visit, Mom was insistent that there is nothing medically wrong with her. She did acknowledge having a fall...on her Patio at home, about "<span style="font-style: italic;">a week ago</span>". (The fall she remembers occurred last "Fall"). Initially, I told her that isn't where she fell, but when she called me a liar and got upset, I let it go. She thinks that it's "Spring" and time to get her tomato's planted.<br />
I asked if she'd visited the vegetable garden at AC, and she said yes, but it isn't "<span style="font-style: italic;">her</span>" garden. After I gave her the medication the staff sent with me, we went for the CT Scan, and <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSef0twkQr3mpgezvk7VXgO77GP3z4YVBwYuJE3zApPhS1xxyRjFwcdRplAEubdM0jsgCW9daIrA5_T34jLuTnNsRg8eSuIEz-_n6WbzqJBs_38fxPLfDeknsL5J7f0yAjfrYh2zmt1nP/s1600-h/Peter-Feichter-Abstract-art.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRSef0twkQr3mpgezvk7VXgO77GP3z4YVBwYuJE3zApPhS1xxyRjFwcdRplAEubdM0jsgCW9daIrA5_T34jLuTnNsRg8eSuIEz-_n6WbzqJBs_38fxPLfDeknsL5J7f0yAjfrYh2zmt1nP/s200/Peter-Feichter-Abstract-art.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5387288347859296978" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 150px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a>I noticed a chip on her glasses. When I told her about it, and said I should make an eye appointment for her, she said, "<span style="font-style: italic;">You are so good to me</span>." I was worried about how she would act when I returned her to AC, but she got out of the car without problem and said, "I hoped you were taking me <span style="font-style: italic;">home</span>. "<br />
My Mother-in-Law visited her a short time later and said that she had a nice visit with her. She reported that Mom said the Doctor gave her a "<span style="font-style: italic;">clean bill of health</span>".<br />
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The staff at AC reports that she is becoming agitated more frequently the longer she has been there (approximately 2 weeks if you subtract the days she spent in the hospital because of her fall). I feel confident that this will pass in time, though it may take awhile. Hopefully, her medications can be adjusted give her some relief from her obsessive thoughts. I pray for their patience.<br />
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Overall, I'm pleased with the day, and that's all I can ask for.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-79314961101976962432009-09-21T09:17:00.010-05:002015-02-11T16:25:00.604-06:00Déjà Vu All Over AgainIt seems that the VP Shunt that is draining the fluid from Mom's brain has malfunctioned and she will have to have it replaced. It is draining twice as much fluid as it is supposed to, and it is not responding to reprogramming. The Doc's have attempted to reprogram it three times, and each time it has reset itself.<br />
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The last time we know that everything was in good working order was on 8/24 when Mom had a routine CT Scan. She had the anxiety attack on 8/27 and remained agitated for weeks. So it seems likely that she hit her head while home alone, damaged the shunt and caused the subdural hematoma's that were evident on the emergency CT scans last week sometime between 8/24 and the end of August when she was <a href="http://dezdmonasrocketship.blogspot.com/2009/08/changing-channels.html">hospitalized</a>.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3qdSNqKLrVDBLkluiN2sEfCiQo3SmN6gkTF8kKWeDeEKXp_cZdV2oEDMWhFeX6wQUa-huaN7x5N5ruU7U6sghbGqL4CkzUQPxSYbijjAfHFOsYvaCimbEnmuA0I3Z0SpbeprHftC16fkv/s1600-h/Brain_Salad_by_mayhemasylum.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi3qdSNqKLrVDBLkluiN2sEfCiQo3SmN6gkTF8kKWeDeEKXp_cZdV2oEDMWhFeX6wQUa-huaN7x5N5ruU7U6sghbGqL4CkzUQPxSYbijjAfHFOsYvaCimbEnmuA0I3Z0SpbeprHftC16fkv/s200/Brain_Salad_by_mayhemasylum.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384034592964499298" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 200px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 156px;" /></a><br />
The bottom line is that the VP Shunt will have to be replaced. Surgery is pending for later this week, probably Thursday or Friday. I am waiting for the Surgeon to call back after making the arrangements.<br />
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So here we go again.<br />
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<span style="color: #33ccff;">EDIT 9/22: The surgeon called and wants to do ONE more test to try to get the Shunt working again before going into surgery. Says they've never seen a Shunt do this before and they just want to be certain.</span> <br />
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The good news is that my son & I had a wonderful visit with Mom on Saturday morning. She was calm and relaxed. The Nurse told me that she was even laughing earlier in the morning. We were able to talk about the sunshine outside, college football games, my son's activities, we took pictures and just relaxed together for awhile. While she did ask about the cats and going home, she was not agitated, repetitive and insistent about the topic as in previous encounters. Although a small victory, it sure felt good after so many hard battles in the previous three weeks.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-63123733613908753512009-09-17T14:41:00.007-05:002015-02-11T16:25:07.631-06:00Free Fallin'<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtFN-9A4SUm6oms6KNZJm_YD5K53A9Pm6nj1I2g1xnBZF02UBpc0cIyjX6gJu3_q05sTgRjDu0HG8ElnKbgWc1gm98X2IQnKJFl_E8vRzPWgvnvGI5j7fN87nB_XL6DiILMu887ssYDLGL/s1600-h/Down_the_hole_by_diablata.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtFN-9A4SUm6oms6KNZJm_YD5K53A9Pm6nj1I2g1xnBZF02UBpc0cIyjX6gJu3_q05sTgRjDu0HG8ElnKbgWc1gm98X2IQnKJFl_E8vRzPWgvnvGI5j7fN87nB_XL6DiILMu887ssYDLGL/s200/Down_the_hole_by_diablata.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5382806575131262258" style="cursor: pointer; display: block; height: 200px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 142px;" /></a><br />
Mom fell and suffered an <a href="http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/ency/article/000713.htm">acute subdural hematoma</a>. There is also swelling at the front of her brain and a couple of other subdural hematoma's that appear to be a couple of weeks old. This seems to coincide with the onset of her increased agitated state. All very scary.<br />
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While in the Emergency room Mom experienced <a href="http://www.webmd.com/brain/aphasia-causes-symptoms-types-treatments">aphasia</a> and was unable to communicate with or understand what was being said to her. I'm sure this was very scary and confusing for her, it certainly was for me. On the other hand, she didn't seem to have much awareness of being in the hospital and only seemed interested in going home. She kept taking the heart monitors, blood pressure cuff and even her hospital gown off and trying to get out of the bed to leave. Eventually, she had to be medicated to calm her down, but would try to fight through it after an hour or so. She definitely has a strong will.<br />
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I am not aware of any falls prior to her anxiety attack on 8/27, but she obviously hit her head twice - hard enough to cause significant injury. I do know that she hit her forehead on a shelf in the bathroom at the Psych Hospital on 8/31 because the staff called me and told me. It left a nickle size bruise that I saw when I visited her on 9/1.<br />
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The Neurosurgeon ordered another CT scan the morning after her fall. He adjusted the VP shunt back to where it was immediately after it was placed at surgery, then he will slowly readjust it again.<br />
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The day after her the fall she was calm in the morning and seemed to understand she was in the hospital, but became highly agitated in the afternoon and had to be restrained. She no longer understood she was in the hospital. Two days later, she was calm again, but doesn't have awareness of being in a medical hospital. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try to determine any progress from this type of head injury when the patient is suffers from Alzheimer's and is often unable to tell you how old she is, what year it is and the like.<br />
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She is unable to look at me without begging me to take her home, and doesn't seem to be able to have any other conversation with me. :(<br />
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This turn of events does help to piece together all the changes in Mom's behavior over the past weeks. But what does it mean for the future? Will she heal, will her agitation abate over time? Will she need a wheelchair or walker - will she accept one?<br />
The things I'm reading about this condition are very frightening.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-42825469234990634242009-09-11T16:28:00.007-05:002015-02-11T16:25:15.024-06:00In My RoomToday Mom was released from the Hospital and transferred to an Alzheimer's Care Facility. She met with the Director and Nurse from the facility at the Hospital this morning but was unable to recall the incident that had resulted in her placement in the Hospital...other than "her daughter put her there". As I've previously noted, that behavior is so far out of character for her, she probably can't even conceive it. Also of note is that she was so highly emotional at the time that it was probably never processed...even temporarily. She cannot fathom that she would or could commit such an action. And she couldn't, if it weren't for the illness that has invaded her mind.<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAtxsAeuIN9MmNQFE3IRed1WGaoHTEK5a1UtMLT4E4tYkrAT9H96XTYP1z_qqvkJetl_-vTontuGD6VqZNJ8sC9-xK77JIayQ_arAuoFuQ8kInhiH7CO8VhEYU9a25tqtpONFJBN64nj7L/s1600-h/rooom.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAtxsAeuIN9MmNQFE3IRed1WGaoHTEK5a1UtMLT4E4tYkrAT9H96XTYP1z_qqvkJetl_-vTontuGD6VqZNJ8sC9-xK77JIayQ_arAuoFuQ8kInhiH7CO8VhEYU9a25tqtpONFJBN64nj7L/s200/rooom.JPG" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5380330239134756722" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 150px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 200px;" /></a><br />
But I digress. Today Mom has a new home, with a private room that has a nice view of a large courtyard in which she can walk or sit, and pictures of her family nearby. She will soon have a TV in her room, and personal items that she can enjoy which will hopefully help her feel comfortable and eventually at peace. I know it will take some time for her to become accustomed to her new surroundings, but I am satisfied that she is safe, she will take her medications, and she will eat properly.<br />
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Her Sister from Arkansas came to see her through the transition and my Son was also able to visit as she was checked in. However, after this initial transfer, we will not see her for a couple of weeks so that she can learn and become familiar with her new surroundings and the people who will be assisting her on a daily basis. From my initial impressions, they are wonderful people, who are committed to ensuring that the individuals they care for are treated with respect. Slowly we will visit and eventually it is our goal to be able to take her away from the facility for dinner, medical appointments or other special activities.<br />
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While this has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I know it is the right thing. Mom told me that I would have to answer to God for what I have done, and I quietly answered her that "<span style="font-style: italic;">yes...I will.</span>" I only wish she could understand that He already knows I'm acting with love in my heart.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-49365296139348898922009-09-09T08:06:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:25:22.647-06:00Caught in a TrapMy Aunt & Uncle from Illinois visited Mom at the Hospital yesterday. It was another difficult visit. They reported that they barely recognized her, having changed so much since the last time they had seen her in Mexico in January. She's lost 25 pounds since then. They also reported symptoms of extreme anxiety, such as persistent hand rubbing during their conversation. Something I've also noted.<br />
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She was happy to see them, and repeatedly told them how much she loved me and my son. She pleaded with them to ask me to take her home and be with her cats, insisting that I have the "power" to come and get her; but W&S told her that it is the Doctor that will determine when she is released. She asked to speak with her Grandson on the telephone (which can be arranged). Sadly, she didn't remember that I had been to visit her in the hospital.<br />
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W&S reported that she was wearing the fleece pants that I brought her, but is still wearing one of the hospital shirts. One of the Aides came to take her for a shower when they left.<br />
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I know it was hard for W&S to see Mom, not only in a Psychiatric hospital, but in her current emotional and physical condition. It's been heartbreaking and startling to watch her decline these past months and weeks.<br />
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I am still concerned that she is experiencing so much anxiety and feel that this needs to be addressed further before she is released from the hospital. My prayers are that she is able to find some peace of mind, relax and find some enjoyment in her days. I know that she's currently still in great distress.<br />
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I took W&S to visit the Alzheimer's Facility that I have arranged for Mom to live in after she leaves the hospital. They seemed pleased with the choice. We visited with the Director for a bit. Hopefully, we will be able to move her there very soon.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-31869028652655360322009-09-07T11:04:00.023-05:002015-02-11T16:25:29.688-06:00Pacing the CageI visited Mom in the Hospital last evening for the first time since she was placed on medication to help her with her anxiety/agitation (2 evenings prior). My previous visit (before medication) had not gone well at all, so with professional advice, I decided to wait until she had been placed on medication before visiting again. (Easier said than done, since her "anger/acting out" is directed specifically toward me as her primary caretaker and isn't really displayed on the Unit, but that's another story.)<br />
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At the beginning she hugged me, was weepy and held my hand. We told each other we loved one another. She was definitely happy to see me. (Yay!)<br />
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But ultimately the conversation turned to why had I locked her up, that I had the power to get her out (pleading with me to take her home), and that there isn't anything wrong with her. She denied any responsibility for the behavior that caused her to be there...and I've decided not to remind her of it since I don't really see how it can be beneficial. It only serves to upset her further. (In the moment) :(<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_wJSmmIHdQoGClVZwIqYoiolyLThcj_jT8rVJ1iLvuCxvSBbZYOcjpAzcwYjSawNqU52r13qXoQyC2kfKcbgA3BrIjc8Rls_6OcO2qj62Y7B2f0JagA0KmJrlLItcTmdWeiqqsNqDQlYJ/s1600/PicassoBlueNude.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg_wJSmmIHdQoGClVZwIqYoiolyLThcj_jT8rVJ1iLvuCxvSBbZYOcjpAzcwYjSawNqU52r13qXoQyC2kfKcbgA3BrIjc8Rls_6OcO2qj62Y7B2f0JagA0KmJrlLItcTmdWeiqqsNqDQlYJ/s320/PicassoBlueNude.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5584678758493801730" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 288px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 220px;" /></a><br />
I got the Nurse to supervise because I wanted her to listen in.<br />
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I explained to Mom that the Doctor would determine when she would be released and I only want to ensure her safety but she wouldn't listen. She stated that she hasn't seen any Doctor(s), and that the only Doctor she has is the Doctor she's been seeing for many years and the last time she saw him was "<span style="font-style: italic;">a couple of weeks ago</span>" (which is fairly close - especially since we've been seeing him once a month for a long time).<br />
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She denied any problem with her memory and said I was making that up. It got very circular & repetitive very fast, and she became angry/frustrated and laughed at me stating that I enjoy keeping her locked up.<br />
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The Nurse supported what I was saying but Mom didn't (or couldn't?) listen and persisted with her point of view. I knew the visit wasn't going to go anywhere positive from there so I ended it and left. The Nurse walked me out and was very supportive stating that Mom didn't recognize her from day to day either.<br />
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It's just so hard that she doesn't understand and refuses (or is unable) to accept that she has memory problems.<br />
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She has a very strong will that has always served her well in achieving things in life...except for now. Alzheimer's is one challenge she can't overcome simply by sheer force of will.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-38203774162895383432009-08-28T21:32:00.005-05:002015-02-11T16:25:37.550-06:00Changing ChannelsThe report from Mom's recent visit with the Neurosurgeon was as expected. He stated that the shunt has done all it can do, and he is ruling out hydrocephalus as the cause of her memory problems. He advised us to see the Neurologist for further evaluation of her dementia and he will continue to monitor the hydrocephalus and her walking since the shunt does seem to have improved her fall risk.<br />
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After visiting with the Surgeon, we went to her Internist. She had a Anxiety/Panic attack in his office and became very distressed that she would not live to see her grandson grow up. It was <span style="font-style: italic;">very </span>intense. The Doctor adjusted her medications significantly upon witnessing this. I explained to him that while I had not seen her behave with the sadness she was exhibiting in his office, I <span style="font-style: italic;">had </span>witnessed her exhibit extreme levels of anxiety and agitation; so he increased her medications for anxiety/agitation. This occurred on Thursday.<br />
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On Friday, she was still highly agitated, even after taking the new medication dosage, although she now was mad rather than sad. And proceeded to inform me that there was nothing wrong with her and she wanted her car returned to her.<br />
<br />
On Saturday, the extreme agitation continued, and my husband, and son went with me to her house to try to get her to eat and take her medication. She continued with the above arguments (there's nothing wrong with her, I'm keeping her "locked" in her house, and I have no reason to keep her car from her, because no doctor has told her that she is unable to drive) She also blames my husband for "brainwashing" me into believing that there is something wrong with her.<br />
I did get her to eat and take her medication, but later in the day, she called the Police and reported that we had stolen her car. The Officer we spoke to understood that she had a memory impairment and we offered to show him the diagnosis and Power of Attorney, but he had assessed there was something wrong during his conversation with her, and declined. He gave us a report number and offered some resources and stated he would include our information in his report in case she made another call.<br />
She continued making angry calls to me into the evening until I had to unplug the phone at bedtime.<br />
<br />
On Sunday morning I went to her house and had a very pleasant conversation with her.<br />
She seemed to have no memory of the events of the previous three days and took her medication without any problems.<br />
<br />
On Mon<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYEVBvtPw-7WiToz2bMl4Dl_CoHLamS28h5gYKM8wVmLufN9J_O4UOINWi_4oXEtlkiWO5lWm7C6XppPyJrzbqlU6hM0r3Qp4Ll4RV3ifO1Ju_a5uHVHAJzsqO8XOhpO1NPttQWtJLvFEt/s1600-h/ChangingChannels.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYEVBvtPw-7WiToz2bMl4Dl_CoHLamS28h5gYKM8wVmLufN9J_O4UOINWi_4oXEtlkiWO5lWm7C6XppPyJrzbqlU6hM0r3Qp4Ll4RV3ifO1Ju_a5uHVHAJzsqO8XOhpO1NPttQWtJLvFEt/s200/ChangingChannels.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5377264715551298354" style="cursor: pointer; float: left; height: 200px; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; width: 128px;" /></a>day I arrived at her home and she initially appeared calm. However, I noticed that her bed had not been slept in and she had not taken her medications from the evening before. I brought groceries into the house, and took her medications to her (she refused). She began telling me that I needed to bring her car home, which I explained that I couldn't do that because she no longer had driving privileges, she started yelling and cursing about how I was imprisoning her, had abandoned her, turned against her, and she didn't understand how I could do that after all she had done for me. I told her I loved her and was trying to protect her. She laughed and said I was lying and that I was just trying to get rid of her.<br />
I told her I was going to go put the groceries away and went to the kitchen.<br />
Within a few minutes, she had followed me, and continued her rant. By this time she was screaming and yelled "There's going to be a murder here".<br />
I told her that was inappropriate and asked her to calm down or I would have to call 911. She continued screaming and told me I was trespassing and she never wanted to see me again, that I had betrayed her. I dialed 911 and told them that Mom was highly agitated and requested assistance, she began screaming that she was the victim, why was I calling 911 on her? I had barely given the address when she went and grabbed an knife from the butcher block; I ran out the back door telling the 911 operator that she had a knife. She followed me out the door onto the patio, but didn't pursue me very far. I stayed on the phone with 911 and she went back inside with the knife and came back outside without it and continued to tell me to get off her property, that I was trespassing.<br />
The Police arrived within minutes. I explained that she has Alzheimer's and has no history of violence or mental illness, but that in recent days has been highly agitated. They spent about 30 minutes talking with her and she eventually agreed to see a "Doctor". They transported her to a local Psychiatric Emergency Hospital for stabilization. There was no arrest.<br />
<br />
It is painfully obvious that Mom is no longer able to live independently.<br />
She is suffering terribly and it's causing everyone who loves her enormous pain, too.<br />
<br />
At the time of this post (Thursday), she is still in the hospital, and not yet properly stabilized.<br />
<br />
We have secured a long term care facility that specializes in Alzheimer's/Dementia affected individuals, that I feel good about. Though it breaks my heart that she won't be able to live at home anymore. I kept hoping to put it off longer...Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-90526467020973109722009-08-11T09:24:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:25:46.902-06:00Reality Bites<a href="http://maqtanim.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/labaid.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://maqtanim.files.wordpress.com/2008/01/labaid.jpg" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 395px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 380px;" /></a><br />
It's looking more and more like the shunt surgery is not going to help restore Mom's memory. I discussed this directly with both the Neurosurgeon and his associate at our last appointment. His associate was more blunt with me (which I appreciated), but the bottom line, is that at six weeks after surgery they would have expected to see more improvement than we've seen (which is very little). The Neurosurgeon adjusted the amount of fluid that the shunt is draining, and stated he would be willing to make one more adjustment before making a final conclusion, but if the next adjustment does not result in memory improvement, he will agree that Mom is likely suffering from an underlying dementia/Alzheimer's disease.<br />
<br />
I contacted Mom's long term care insurance about getting benefits approved, and they sent a Nurse out to interview Mom. The interview was very difficult as Mom became suspicious and angry, assuming that I was trying to have her "committed" and she refused to cooperate with the questions that the Nurse was asking her. Objectively, it was sad, because Mom's frustration began when she was unable to answer basic memory sequencing questions. She then told the Nurse that she continues to drive herself to all her Doctor appointments, picks up her prescriptions, counts out and takes her medications by herself, cleans her house, does her laundry, grocery shops, etc.... without any help whatsoever. (which of course isn't true), but was an obvious defensive attempt to appear competent because she felt threatened. There was lots of yelling and threatening directed at me for trying to control her and "put her away, and get rid of her". Both the Nurse, me and my son tried to tell her we were simply trying to arrange for someone to come into her home to assist her (and me) in remaining in her home so she would NOT have to go into a care facility, but she wouldn't believe us, and further stated she didn't want anyone coming into her home and didn't need any help. She also stated she wanted to get rid of all her Doctors and find one that would tell her she was "fine", because there isn't anything wrong with her.<br />
<br />
The Nurse was concerned that Mom actually needs a full time care facility as she isn't convinced that Mom will allow someone to come in to assist, so I told her to write her report as she sees the situation, but I would like to TRY to have someone come into the home before I move her into full time care.<br />
<br />
The very next morning after this traumatic incident, Mom seemed to have no memory of what had happened, and we proceeded with the above mentioned appointment with the Neurosurgeon.<br />
<br />
She has since conceded that she is sick and needs help. I have asked her if she feels like she needs to be in full time care, but she says she needs to be at home for her cats. I have assured her that I will take care of her cats, but this is a delicate matter for the moment, as she obsesses over it - much more so than she has over the car/driving issue. The insurance company matter is still pending, but I should have some options within the next week, so I should be able to start comparing care agencies soon.<br />
<br />
It will be nice to get a bit of help.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-80927910235600876302009-07-17T11:49:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:32:11.473-06:00Trying To Strike A Balance<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQc_7bJ76bKfRuwL2E2l0e1ZVIvQmpIHkRb4IjLQXD2JQNil5v3WmQld2EjPzeHRKYvAOYXD4QhyphenhyphenE3Doj2NC4JI3GXFq17PZSEj-UQBG5vBBq_XhoQ3c_SA-BPWWWsF1__jk9zvN2tMne/s1600-h/balance3.jpg" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLQc_7bJ76bKfRuwL2E2l0e1ZVIvQmpIHkRb4IjLQXD2JQNil5v3WmQld2EjPzeHRKYvAOYXD4QhyphenhyphenE3Doj2NC4JI3GXFq17PZSEj-UQBG5vBBq_XhoQ3c_SA-BPWWWsF1__jk9zvN2tMne/s200/balance3.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5359473877825471058" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 200px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 134px;" /></a><br />
The Surgeon increased the amount of fluid that is being drained from the ventricles in Mom’s brain at her appointment last week. He hopes that this will, over time, improve the results we are seeing in her memory. It’s a delicate process as draining too much fluid could result in the collapse of the ventricles (obviously a bad thing), and not enough fluid continues the memory and other problems she experiences. <br />
<br />
In response to Mom’s increasing agitation over her car (including cursing & threats, and one day in which she called me over 15 times as well as calling various other local people in addition to calling me), Mom was put on a new medication to ease her anxiety and agitation, which seems to be working. The medication she takes to improve her memory was also increased, but she seems to be having a hard time adjusting to this so I am carefully monitoring her to ensure she is eating while her body adjusts.<br />
<br />
She seems to be coming to terms with the reality that she is, indeed sick and needs assistance. I filmed the appointment with the Surgeon and him explaining the Hydrocephalus to her as well as the reasons that she is unable to drive. I haven’t needed to review it with her, yet.<br />
<br />
So far her memory shows little to no improvement and she is very frail, but every day I look for any little sign that might indicate improvement, however; it could be months before we see any significant results, so I try to be patient, while continuing my prayers that she will eventually return to us.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-66356285005656638072009-07-04T20:31:00.005-05:002015-02-11T16:25:56.306-06:00What Next?I’ve been putting off writing this post because it is so painful. As a follow up to my previous entry, Mom has been calling me every day, sometimes twice a day wondering “<span style="font-style: italic;">where her car is</span>”, or “<span style="font-style: italic;">how we’re going to get her car home</span>”. And I explain to her that her driving privileges have been restricted by both her Neurologist and her Neurosurgeon, to which she responds “<span style="font-style: italic;">Why? I’m perfectly healthy.</span>“ Sometimes she remembers that she’s had brain surgery, sometimes she doesn’t. She accuses me of making up her medical condition and insists that her memory is fine and that no Doctor has told her that there is anything wrong with her.<br />
<br />
I explain that I am happy to assist her with any of her needs and will take her where she needs to go; but she says that she wants to be able to do for herself. I sympathize with her, but explain that it isn’t possible for her to drive herself at the present time, and she needs to let me help her. She says I am imprisoning her because I don’t “trust” her not to drive the car if I were to leave it at her house. There is a physician’s note on her refrigerator stating that she cannot drive, but as she doesn’t remember the Doctor writing it, or discussing it with her, she doesn’t believe it. I’ve explained she is welcome to discuss the situation at our next appointment, and encouraged her to take notes about what he says while we are there…in her own handwriting so that she’ll have something to refer to after we return home.<br />
<br />
Apparently she tells other people who call to check on her that I am very helpful and take her everything she needs. When I am at her house in person she is pleasant and seems to understand. However when she is alone and decides she wants something and her car isn’t there, she calls and the cycle starts over again. She has threatened to call the Police and report the car stolen several times. I’m at a loss on how to handle the situation and would welcome suggestions. I really don’t believe that she needs to be placed outside her home. She CAN take care of some of her basic personal needs, (although I assist with financial and housekeeping tasks) her memory and decision making abilities are impaired. I can’t bear the thought of her getting lost or hurting someone while driving when I’m available to assist her. I’ve tried to explain her medical condition but she says she doesn’t believe it applies to her. :sigh:Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-86386730662767072012009-06-23T14:07:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:26:05.230-06:00A Conflicted Ray of Hope?Is arguing a positive sign?<br />
<br />
Mom has been so passive and confused these past months, but within the past few days she has become argumentative and accusatory. As uncomfortable as it is, I'm wondering if this change in her behavior could be related to increased awareness of her surroundings.<br />
<br />
She is very upset that she is unable to drive and that I have her car at my house. I've tried to explain that the Doctor's have restricted her driving because of her medical condition, and that I'm willing to do her grocery shopping and bring her whatever she needs.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure if she understands her medical condition or that she's even had surgery to correct it. I'm frustrated that she is resistent to taking the medication she needs to manage her diabetes, high blood pressure and slow her memory deterioration. She repeats that there is nothing wrong with her and thinks that it is "us" that are creating the problems.<br />
<br />
Today, she was accusing my husband of being "behind" taking her car away from her. Which is the furthest thing from the truth. In all honesty, I have been the one consulting with Doctors. My husband hasn't consulted with any physicians regarding her care, nor does he have the authority. But it has been the physicians themselves that listen to <i>my</i> reports of her abilities and behaviors and make the determination as to whether she is safe to drive. And honestly, the last time I asked her to come to my house by 2:30pm and she arrived at 4:30pm...not aware of where the time had gone (I spoke with her at 2:00pm and she was "walking out the door"), is just an example of how skewed things had become.<br />
<br />
Irregardless, I have to consider that this recent fixation on driving is a sign that her memory is improving slightly, which could lead to further improvement. Which is what we were praying for. Let's hope this is indeed the case, and the improvement continues...and that eventually she WILL be able to drive again.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-57886096783582721462009-06-11T20:00:00.005-05:002015-02-11T16:26:14.809-06:00The Day After...<div>
Thanks everyone. Just got home. What a day.<br />
We had big storms this morning with lots of flooding all around Dallas.<br />
It took me 2 hours just to get into Mom's neighborhood so I could feed her cats.<br />
All the roads surrounding her house were flooded.<br />
I bet I turned around at least a half a dozen times before I found a way in that was safe.<br />
<br />
Then I took my laptop to the FedEx store when I was supposed to take it to the UPS store...<br />
After I got that worked out, we got something to eat and sailed on to the hospital.<br />
<br />
Mom is pretty confused, and thinks she's ready to go home. <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3YmnN0FZ8GYiwkxqNGyH9oRJc9YOGKxWWI6UxIRiXvY_3cdPXwHaEeMKyfcIBgIfZU4D7he7i-ArbYiIgwyC2XE_bVxdKcurIxYJ0WoUKhtIa3hgTyou1F7PT4EIVhdXX-w90Hhyphenhyphen4bksH/s1600-h/06-11-09_1456.jpg"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3YmnN0FZ8GYiwkxqNGyH9oRJc9YOGKxWWI6UxIRiXvY_3cdPXwHaEeMKyfcIBgIfZU4D7he7i-ArbYiIgwyC2XE_bVxdKcurIxYJ0WoUKhtIa3hgTyou1F7PT4EIVhdXX-w90Hhyphenhyphen4bksH/s200/06-11-09_1456.jpg" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5346247669210225810" style="cursor: hand; float: right; height: 200px; margin: 0px 0px 10px 10px; width: 160px;" /></a><br />
She figures if she can sit in a hospital bed, she can sit on the sofa at home.<br />
She has little concept of the passage of time or even the reason that she is in the hospital.<br />
Some things she can remember ok, others not so much.<br />
She's also dizzy, which makes her a fall risk, and not suitable for release.<br />
She's singularly focused on her cats and doesn't seem satisfied when I assure her that I'm taking good care of them.<br />
They're her "children", and she wants to be with them.<br />
I've tried to tell her she has to take care of herself before she can take care of them, but she doesn't seem to "get it".<br />
<br />
The nurses in ICU have been just wonderful.<br />
I applaud everyone who chooses to put up with these difficult people who make such unrealistic (and repetitive) demands of them.<br />
I can assure you, at least in my Mom's case, she doesn't understand what she's doing.</div>
Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-62148481802749808642009-06-11T07:57:00.002-05:002015-02-11T16:28:54.605-06:00SurgeryMom's surgery went well.<br />
After it was over, she didn't even realize they'd done it yet!<br />
She's in the ICU right now, but should be moved to a regular room today.<br />
<br />
She's still very confused about time, but I did notice slight improvements in simple things.<br />
She has a nice new haircut, and does have <i>some</i> pain.<br />
She worries about taking pain medication...she's afraid of get addicted. LOL<br />
<br />
My Sister in Law works in the hospital and checked on her before leaving last night and said she was alert and reading some magazines I left her.<br />
<br />
They will be doing a CAT scan this morning to see how much fluid has been drained off in the first 24 hours.<br />
I'll be anxious to hear the Doc's report on this test.<br />
<br />
Thanks for all your prayers. I know they are helping.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-68214725552994356432009-06-08T17:50:00.004-05:002015-02-11T16:26:22.133-06:00One day to surgery...The countdown is on, and I'm anxious and hopeful.<br />
Mom is deteriorating rapidly and she is blissfuly unaware of it.<br />
<br />
This past weekend we had a family wedding for her Sister's grandson (her Great-Nephew), and because of her faulty sense of time, she had great difficulty being able to understand what day and time the wedding was. She tried to get ready for the wedding on Friday, but I explained that the wedding was on Sunday, and tried to re-direct her to another task. Then on Sunday, she decided she HAD to do the task I had tried to get her to do on Friday before she could get ready for the wedding...leaving her little time to get ready. It was pretty hectic, and she didn't understand where the time went, but somehow we got there on time. The wedding was beautiful and we had a lovely visit with relatives we don't get to visit with often.<br />
<br />
Everything is in place for the surgery. The pending cardiac clearance was received, and now we are now waiting for a call from the anesthesiologist on Tuesday evening before we head to the hospital early Wednesday morning. The surgery itself shouldn't take very long, nor should her hospital stay.<br />
<br />
All prayers are welcome and encouraged, both for a safe & successful surgery; and for a positive outcome.<br />
<br />
Unfortunatly my laptop got fried this past weekend, so I will be unable to blog, <a href="http://twitter.com/dezdmona">tweet</a> or facebook updates from the hospital, but will post updates as soon as I can.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2713480180600307537.post-25538645363925870222009-05-12T18:24:00.006-05:002015-02-11T16:26:28.529-06:00Surgery is a go...<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdkOGTQ5QRSIrVlnu6EUdugduzrWcZBnJWnCFvzri9asD2zP0qHouhogeJFslQ5Eu8gdGbS4PJFB-QFNvnGJuby7n0u2HyorK3gm_LUkxrfYlwUGlBBRJqJDKNOzcyWdFTkFMkNN1FtAUf/s1600-h/shunt.gif"><img alt="" border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdkOGTQ5QRSIrVlnu6EUdugduzrWcZBnJWnCFvzri9asD2zP0qHouhogeJFslQ5Eu8gdGbS4PJFB-QFNvnGJuby7n0u2HyorK3gm_LUkxrfYlwUGlBBRJqJDKNOzcyWdFTkFMkNN1FtAUf/s400/shunt.gif" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5335121512341865890" style="cursor: hand; display: block; height: 271px; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; width: 230px;" /></a><br />
<br />
Today Mom & I revisited the Neurosurgeon to review the results of the spinal tap procedure described in my last post. The Doc recommended that Mom have the shunt surgery and after reassuring her that as far as brain surgery goes, this surgery is minor. Then he proceeded to tell us of all the possible risks, no matter how remote.<br />
<br />
We do have to get “cardiac clearance” before we can proceed with surgery; so I have contacted a cardiologist and will be moving forward with this testing next week. If all goes well, the shunt surgery should take place the first week in June.<br />
<br />
Mom continues to be surprised that there is anything wrong with her, and that it could be serious enough to require "brain surgery". She is terrified of someone "messing around with her brain". She asked what would happen if she refused the surgery, and I explained that she would slip into an "Alzheimer's fog" and be in a nursing home sooner rather than later. And that if someone had an Alzheimer's diagnosis, they would be thrilled to have this type of treatment option available to them that might offer some hope of independent living again. She claims that she doesn't "feel sick"; but the days just slip by without her awareness, and while I try to provide examples of the symptoms of the condition, she is unable to comprehend that she is actually exhibiting the behaviors I describe. <br />
<br />
I am hopeful that the surgery actually does relieve her symptoms and she is able to continue to live independently. My greatest fear is that the NPH symptoms will be relieved only for Alzheimer’s symptoms to arise in their place. <br />
<br />
For now, I will focus on the positive that the surgery is proceeding and there is a glimmer of hope that she will have some memory restoration, not to mention greater balance control; which for a nearly 80 year old woman is also very important.Dezdmonahttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05755385980620589499noreply@blogger.com2