After at least 8 years of fighting the devastating effects of Alzheimer's Disease, Mom died peacefully in her sleep exactly 24 years to the day after Dad died. This disease is called "the long goodbye" but that is a lie. There is no goodbye. There is only pain and heartache, and a shell of a person you used to know. You lose a little of yourself every day as you walk the path of Alzheimer's with your loved one. I feel cheated.
I lost Mom years before I even knew it.
I had grown frustrated with her inability to comprehend and follow directions without realizing why she couldn't accomplish these tasks. She would get frustrated with me for the same things - while, the time between these "discussions" could be months, it was always the same. I have guilt for not recognizing the signs before I did. But she was a proud woman and hid her problems well, she was able to probe for the information she needed to fill in the gaps so it didn't appear she had lost a memory. She was clever. Even after the disease became so pronounced she could no longer hide the symptoms, she was seeking ways to cover the gaps, and would become angry when she couldn't. I learned how to talk to her in ways that would not give her the answers she was seeking and expose her deficits. As heartbreaking as this was, it was necessary to get a clear picture of what was happening to her.
I retreated into a clinical approach in dealing with her illness, it was something happening to her - it was not her.
I don't remember the last time she told me directly that she loved me. I know she recognized my name within a month of her death, spontaneously, as she saw it painted on a panel van as we were driving down the highway and pointed to it with a sparkle in her eye and a smile on her face. It was the only way she had of communicating that she knew me, and my name; even though she couldn't speak it. That was our last really good day. There were surprisingly few during Mom's illness. Although I have been in the company of other Alzheimer's patients who seem to be able to engage more with the world, if only for the moment.
A few days before she died, we believe she suffered a mild stroke. She lost all ability to speak, and feed herself. Her mobility was further impaired. My son & I visited her and she seemed to be able to acknowledge our conversation by nodding her head. She ate a good meal. And died peacefully in her sleep early the next morning... as previously noted on the exact day my Father had died 24 years before.
It was as if in that moment, he was allowed to reach out to her, take her hand, and they would be together again, made whole - with my Sister - in Heaven.
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As for me, I was relieved. It was over. I felt happy for her. My prayers for some time had been that God would take her peacefully so that she could be made whole again in Heaven. No longer trapped by the body that had betrayed her. Her struggle was real, she fought so very hard against her disease, she hated it. In her confusion and fear, she lashed out at me, but I understand why - there was no one else to hear her cries for help. There would be no help. No understanding. No comfort. No goodbyes. It is the most horrible of deaths. Lost and trapped inside yourself. And your loved one(s) locked out, suffering, too.
Yes, I am thankful my prayers were answered. I miss the Mom I used to know. But she is in me, and around me. Hopefully I can share the best parts of her with my son. And one day I too, will fly away to heaven come some sweet blue bonnet spring.
